Eternal Hell

"Every night she cries herself to sleep thinking, why does this happen to me?" 

I can't begin to describe the things that send me on the up's and down's I go through on a daily basis. I see your pictures, our pictures, everyday. I cannot take them down, make the go away. It is my reminder of my mistake. The passion I feel towards you is the only passion I can find. How do I find what I want in someone else when I know you have it all. People say things get easier, there's a light at the end of the tunnel or that you have to face the rain to get the rainbow... can someone be real with me? Just tell me to face the facts? I don't get the boy in the end, I can't fix my mistakes and its gone forever. Stop hoping. (Even though its the only reason I push through each day.) Hope  is a funny word, by definition it means: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: Well guess what... that is going down the drain, and fast! My mind, body, soul, and heart can't keep up anymore. I love you, until the end of time... but I am running out of options and fast. The second you say you want me I am there, no questions asked... and I can't change that. While that may not be a good thing, its the ONLY thing I can do. Like I said I love and am in love with you... I just hope some day you find a way to feel the same again. I am sorry for all the pain I caused you and hope you know its an eternal damnation for me now days. 
The best to you, 

Lemonade Stand

You know the saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and everyone is reacts with the sigh, eye roll, and shut the hell up look? I know you know what I am talking about, because I used to be the person with that reaction. Now days though, what I wouldn't do to have some flipping lemons, instead of the damn boulders it seems keep piling up in my front yard. You can't make anything with boulders! I don't know how much more I can carry on my shoulders. I put some of my problems out there, but like all people you never share all of your secrets or problems. It seems impossible that I'm still afloat considering my mental state and lack of funds to pay the bills. So, stupidly, I spend my money on the things that only temporarily make me not care until the next day when everything comes back head on. I want so bad to quit life, but can't justify hurting my friends and family because I'm too overloaded, confused, and in too deep. I'm $20+ G's in debt, head over heels for the one guy I can never have again, without a car, tickets that need to be paid, all which equal out to BROKE! I can't tell anyone because I can't stand hearing the same advice over and over again. I'm stuck and don't know how to fix all these problems. I am starting to feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable ... like one day it's all just going to eat me alive. You know what the worst part is? I just don't care anymore... some days I just want to get in a car wreck or some freak accident where a a random beam falls and kills me. I just don't want to live through this anymore because I don't know how to. Suggestions? Feel free to comment. I send my best wishes to everyone out there in hopes that you can all find solutions to your problems and not reach the point in which I am at. 


Goodnight all and good luck.

Cheater cheater....

Mentally at the very least. I'm sorry for that, so so sorry. (I really did think I had what it would take to turn you around... guess you can never really change a person. Guess I was never as good as I thought I was, especially to you. You deserve something amazing, magical, fantastical... something permanent. I hope you find that... I really do.) I've never met anyone near as unique as you. You create a sense a freedom and a feeling of being carefree. You are the one who opened me up to so many things... for that I thank you. I'm sorry, though I tried with everything I had, I could not do the same for you. I think that's where I lost it. I could just hear you keep saying those things to me... it became overly discouraging. If you would have had one positive futuristic thought that you had voiced... I don't think I could have ever doubted you. I'm trying to make myself happy. I hope you can respect that. I would have never planned things the way they went. I had my future planned out with you. Your "brutal honesty" is what drove me away... I tried to warn you. I told you I had breaking points. I wish you would have listened.... I wish you would have heard me. I was crying on the inside and out. I love you... that is one thing I can never make go away. I know you probably hate me... but I hope that someday we'll get past that. I hope that we'll be friends.... someday. I will miss you in my life. So... for now, until someday... Good luck. 

With all my love, 

Babeez. 

Good with the bad...

We all know the saying "you have to take the good with the bad." and lately i've been getting a lot of good... but the "bad" aka the EX factor is still there. I want her gone but I don't want to ruin all of the good we have going for us.... it's fantastic. when i'm not worried about what they're conversation consists of. She calls every saturday at like 12:30 or 1:30am. I don't care if she's drunk, it's still not appropriate. I love my boyfriend and don't want to fight with him that's why I keep my mouth shut. I think i'm going to go to bed... but I will try and write to catch you up.

With love,

me.

future fail....?

Ace: So what’s wrong?
Me: nothing.
Me: I’m tired. Exhausted.
Me: What are you doing?
Ace: Waking up
Me: O
Ace: Something is bothering u. I didn’t even get a kiss today.
Me: Bad night I guess.
Ace: No.. u know
Me:  Bad dream.
Ace: Hmmm I don’t believe a dream would do that but whatever
Me: Combination type deal. My bad mood carried over, got shitty sleep, had a bad dream. Just frustrated easily I guess right now.
Ace: Thought u were over last night.
Me: Meh I never know.
Ace: K
Me: I don’t know anymore. Blah.
Ace: Well I don’t know whats going on so I can’t help
Me: Why are you with me Ace?
Ace: Cause I like u
Me: I guess I don’t know where this is going or why are you’re with me… I don’t know
Ace: Well u have to decide what u want and tell me
Me: I want you, us. I want to know what I mean to you. IK where I stand and how I feel. I want to know if you see yourself with me in the future or just what you see. We don’t talk about this stuff and I feel like I never know how you really feel about me or anything.
Ace: I really don’t plan for the future. Take things day by day.
Me: I don’t think you care about me half as much as I care about you and that scares me.
Me: I think you already knew that though.
Ace: Yeah. But ive learned the hard way.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Ace: If we broke up right I wouldn’t be as hurt as last time.
Me: Which is frustrating!!! Bc I would be. I’m in love with you and you just like me. I would be torn up if we broke up, and it would just be another day for you. I have been thru this all b4 multiple times too but I still put forward everything I have in a relationship bc you don’t deserve to deal with the bs bc of something someone else did to me. But now that you and her are on good terms it would be awesome if I didn’t feel like I was still dealing with the repercussions from her.
Me: (Want me to keep going cuz I have a lot on my mind.)- pretty sure it didn’t send.**
Ace: Fair enough.
Me: ?
Ace: I thought I was doing better but I guess not.
Me: You are baby... That’s not what I meant. I guess I just have a lot of wishful thinking...    
    -my thoughts: i wish that you loved me. i wish that you wanted to be with me forever... marriage, family, the whole 9 yards. i wish that you were done talking to your stupid ex gf!!! UGH!
Ace: .... hmmm
Me: IDK how to explain how I feel without it sounding mean.
Ace: Sound mean I don’t care
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’m just being a dumb girl.
Me: I think you still care about her... I think its why you want to be friends with her. I think its why you haven’t asked her why she did it, bc you don’t want to know and don’t want to ruin the newly found friendship. I think there’s a lot more than meets the eye and I think you know it.
Ace: U know what? I’ll call her when u get home put her on speaker and tell her I can’t talk to her anymore.
Me: That’s not what its about. Its not what I want either.
Ace: Its fine. U obviously don’t believe me when I say I don’t want her.
Me: I don’t think you want her.
Ace: Then I don’t understand.
Me: Guess what?! I just got over it. I decided I wasn’t going to care about it, so I don’t anymore!! Hooray happy days! :) :D
Ace: Ur terrible at this....
Me: I am just going to ignore it. I don’t feel like letting this bother me anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m just going to focus on anything and everything else. So whatevs. Its a waste of my brain and energy to think about someone i couldn’t care less about. SO that’s what i’m going to do care less and less bc to me she’s worthless and means nothing. (no offense to you.) you cant talk to her or whatever I have better things to do though than worry.

curse the bed...

The frustration eats me ALIVE!! The days run together and I try to take the bad with the good... but lately it just seems like its more aggravation and fading trust. I want to believe it... want to trust, but I'm losing faith and sight of how to do that... I feel the circumstances are different for us here. I know and he knows, where ka$pa and I stand... but on the other hand I just feel like there are still feelings for her buried beneath the surface that he wants to let out... and they're not towards me. I get lost in what to believe... what I hear is wonderful but what I see is  different. I want to cut the ties with the past... for both of us but, I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I'm willing to make the sacrifices... any and all of them, but I'm not sure he is. I love him, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't have those feelings towards me. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place, I'm in a no win situation. I will be miserable if I end it, but staying with him drives me crazy from not knowing exactly whats happen... lack of communication if you will. :( I feel like such a burden: living with him and his parents, I need my own place soon. just waiting around with nothing to do, i need to get a social life. making him mad, i need to know what he wants in order to make him happy. i need to get my life in order... i know what my ideal step from here would be, but i don't know if I'm strong enough or stable enough. I want to celebrate the progress we've made but I can't because I find things that take us back to square one... and anymore I'm not sure we've even made it to one... i think we're stuck at none.
***AHHHHAHAHHAAHHAH!!!!!!! UGGHHHSS!!***
I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm broken. I'm in love. I'm losing hope. I'm hurt. I'm lost.....
what do you do when you're with the person you can see forever with, but they don't?

Free Falling...

I'm having a difficult time trying to come up with things to say. He leaves me speechless... I can write about the troubles we have but when things are going right, when things are going great he leaves me speechless. Doing seperate things and then planning ahead for a date... its all just wonderful. I'm just happy. I never knew how one person could fufill you so much. I guess thats what love is. They give you the balance of love and aggrivation you need. I'm can't stop myself from falling... I'm free falling... day in and day out. I'm putting in everything I've got and I'm willing to put it all on the line for him. Crazy? Maybe... or just trusting. I have hope in a bright future... in an ideal of forever with him. It just seems like its what I want and where I want to be. Who knows. People say I'm already married in my mind: I don't notice other guys the way you do when you're single or in the beginning of a relationship... I just don't have that interest, I think about what his view of my choices will be, I care to support him even if it means sacrificing my time sometimes (it's what you do). I just laugh when they tell me I'm already married in my mind... but I know its true. Its kind of nice though, its what I want. ♥