Lemonade Stand

You know the saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and everyone is reacts with the sigh, eye roll, and shut the hell up look? I know you know what I am talking about, because I used to be the person with that reaction. Now days though, what I wouldn't do to have some flipping lemons, instead of the damn boulders it seems keep piling up in my front yard. You can't make anything with boulders! I don't know how much more I can carry on my shoulders. I put some of my problems out there, but like all people you never share all of your secrets or problems. It seems impossible that I'm still afloat considering my mental state and lack of funds to pay the bills. So, stupidly, I spend my money on the things that only temporarily make me not care until the next day when everything comes back head on. I want so bad to quit life, but can't justify hurting my friends and family because I'm too overloaded, confused, and in too deep. I'm $20+ G's in debt, head over heels for the one guy I can never have again, without a car, tickets that need to be paid, all which equal out to BROKE! I can't tell anyone because I can't stand hearing the same advice over and over again. I'm stuck and don't know how to fix all these problems. I am starting to feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable ... like one day it's all just going to eat me alive. You know what the worst part is? I just don't care anymore... some days I just want to get in a car wreck or some freak accident where a a random beam falls and kills me. I just don't want to live through this anymore because I don't know how to. Suggestions? Feel free to comment. I send my best wishes to everyone out there in hopes that you can all find solutions to your problems and not reach the point in which I am at. 


Goodnight all and good luck.

Cheater cheater....

Mentally at the very least. I'm sorry for that, so so sorry. (I really did think I had what it would take to turn you around... guess you can never really change a person. Guess I was never as good as I thought I was, especially to you. You deserve something amazing, magical, fantastical... something permanent. I hope you find that... I really do.) I've never met anyone near as unique as you. You create a sense a freedom and a feeling of being carefree. You are the one who opened me up to so many things... for that I thank you. I'm sorry, though I tried with everything I had, I could not do the same for you. I think that's where I lost it. I could just hear you keep saying those things to me... it became overly discouraging. If you would have had one positive futuristic thought that you had voiced... I don't think I could have ever doubted you. I'm trying to make myself happy. I hope you can respect that. I would have never planned things the way they went. I had my future planned out with you. Your "brutal honesty" is what drove me away... I tried to warn you. I told you I had breaking points. I wish you would have listened.... I wish you would have heard me. I was crying on the inside and out. I love you... that is one thing I can never make go away. I know you probably hate me... but I hope that someday we'll get past that. I hope that we'll be friends.... someday. I will miss you in my life. So... for now, until someday... Good luck. 

With all my love, 

Babeez. 

Good with the bad...

We all know the saying "you have to take the good with the bad." and lately i've been getting a lot of good... but the "bad" aka the EX factor is still there. I want her gone but I don't want to ruin all of the good we have going for us.... it's fantastic. when i'm not worried about what they're conversation consists of. She calls every saturday at like 12:30 or 1:30am. I don't care if she's drunk, it's still not appropriate. I love my boyfriend and don't want to fight with him that's why I keep my mouth shut. I think i'm going to go to bed... but I will try and write to catch you up.

With love,

me.

future fail....?

Ace: So what’s wrong?
Me: nothing.
Me: I’m tired. Exhausted.
Me: What are you doing?
Ace: Waking up
Me: O
Ace: Something is bothering u. I didn’t even get a kiss today.
Me: Bad night I guess.
Ace: No.. u know
Me:  Bad dream.
Ace: Hmmm I don’t believe a dream would do that but whatever
Me: Combination type deal. My bad mood carried over, got shitty sleep, had a bad dream. Just frustrated easily I guess right now.
Ace: Thought u were over last night.
Me: Meh I never know.
Ace: K
Me: I don’t know anymore. Blah.
Ace: Well I don’t know whats going on so I can’t help
Me: Why are you with me Ace?
Ace: Cause I like u
Me: I guess I don’t know where this is going or why are you’re with me… I don’t know
Ace: Well u have to decide what u want and tell me
Me: I want you, us. I want to know what I mean to you. IK where I stand and how I feel. I want to know if you see yourself with me in the future or just what you see. We don’t talk about this stuff and I feel like I never know how you really feel about me or anything.
Ace: I really don’t plan for the future. Take things day by day.
Me: I don’t think you care about me half as much as I care about you and that scares me.
Me: I think you already knew that though.
Ace: Yeah. But ive learned the hard way.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Ace: If we broke up right I wouldn’t be as hurt as last time.
Me: Which is frustrating!!! Bc I would be. I’m in love with you and you just like me. I would be torn up if we broke up, and it would just be another day for you. I have been thru this all b4 multiple times too but I still put forward everything I have in a relationship bc you don’t deserve to deal with the bs bc of something someone else did to me. But now that you and her are on good terms it would be awesome if I didn’t feel like I was still dealing with the repercussions from her.
Me: (Want me to keep going cuz I have a lot on my mind.)- pretty sure it didn’t send.**
Ace: Fair enough.
Me: ?
Ace: I thought I was doing better but I guess not.
Me: You are baby... That’s not what I meant. I guess I just have a lot of wishful thinking...    
    -my thoughts: i wish that you loved me. i wish that you wanted to be with me forever... marriage, family, the whole 9 yards. i wish that you were done talking to your stupid ex gf!!! UGH!
Ace: .... hmmm
Me: IDK how to explain how I feel without it sounding mean.
Ace: Sound mean I don’t care
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’m just being a dumb girl.
Me: I think you still care about her... I think its why you want to be friends with her. I think its why you haven’t asked her why she did it, bc you don’t want to know and don’t want to ruin the newly found friendship. I think there’s a lot more than meets the eye and I think you know it.
Ace: U know what? I’ll call her when u get home put her on speaker and tell her I can’t talk to her anymore.
Me: That’s not what its about. Its not what I want either.
Ace: Its fine. U obviously don’t believe me when I say I don’t want her.
Me: I don’t think you want her.
Ace: Then I don’t understand.
Me: Guess what?! I just got over it. I decided I wasn’t going to care about it, so I don’t anymore!! Hooray happy days! :) :D
Ace: Ur terrible at this....
Me: I am just going to ignore it. I don’t feel like letting this bother me anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m just going to focus on anything and everything else. So whatevs. Its a waste of my brain and energy to think about someone i couldn’t care less about. SO that’s what i’m going to do care less and less bc to me she’s worthless and means nothing. (no offense to you.) you cant talk to her or whatever I have better things to do though than worry.

curse the bed...

The frustration eats me ALIVE!! The days run together and I try to take the bad with the good... but lately it just seems like its more aggravation and fading trust. I want to believe it... want to trust, but I'm losing faith and sight of how to do that... I feel the circumstances are different for us here. I know and he knows, where ka$pa and I stand... but on the other hand I just feel like there are still feelings for her buried beneath the surface that he wants to let out... and they're not towards me. I get lost in what to believe... what I hear is wonderful but what I see is  different. I want to cut the ties with the past... for both of us but, I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I'm willing to make the sacrifices... any and all of them, but I'm not sure he is. I love him, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't have those feelings towards me. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place, I'm in a no win situation. I will be miserable if I end it, but staying with him drives me crazy from not knowing exactly whats happen... lack of communication if you will. :( I feel like such a burden: living with him and his parents, I need my own place soon. just waiting around with nothing to do, i need to get a social life. making him mad, i need to know what he wants in order to make him happy. i need to get my life in order... i know what my ideal step from here would be, but i don't know if I'm strong enough or stable enough. I want to celebrate the progress we've made but I can't because I find things that take us back to square one... and anymore I'm not sure we've even made it to one... i think we're stuck at none.
***AHHHHAHAHHAAHHAH!!!!!!! UGGHHHSS!!***
I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm broken. I'm in love. I'm losing hope. I'm hurt. I'm lost.....
what do you do when you're with the person you can see forever with, but they don't?

Free Falling...

I'm having a difficult time trying to come up with things to say. He leaves me speechless... I can write about the troubles we have but when things are going right, when things are going great he leaves me speechless. Doing seperate things and then planning ahead for a date... its all just wonderful. I'm just happy. I never knew how one person could fufill you so much. I guess thats what love is. They give you the balance of love and aggrivation you need. I'm can't stop myself from falling... I'm free falling... day in and day out. I'm putting in everything I've got and I'm willing to put it all on the line for him. Crazy? Maybe... or just trusting. I have hope in a bright future... in an ideal of forever with him. It just seems like its what I want and where I want to be. Who knows. People say I'm already married in my mind: I don't notice other guys the way you do when you're single or in the beginning of a relationship... I just don't have that interest, I think about what his view of my choices will be, I care to support him even if it means sacrificing my time sometimes (it's what you do). I just laugh when they tell me I'm already married in my mind... but I know its true. Its kind of nice though, its what I want. ♥

shameful regret...

Until you have been through the experience you cannot really relate. What an awful feeling to eat at you... whether it is your fault or not... it never goes away. You can't run from it... You can't forget it... and You can never erase it. The feeling that you will never be good enough for anyone. The feeling that you're broken, ugly, worthless. Being lead into this state of mind where subconciously you ruin everything just so you don't have to worry about the judgement from the ones you love finding out. Avoiding the subjects and the looks people hand out. The pain to love someone in fear of it happening again. Or just the fear of the pain you can cause from you subconcious acts of destruction. All you can ask is... Are you doing ok?

Impacted:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown
Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Author Unknown
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. ~Julins Gordon
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint
When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael LeunigTo find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault
Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~Bill Balance
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. ~Author Unknown

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass. ~French Proverb

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown
Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman. ~Robert Brault