Good with the bad...

We all know the saying "you have to take the good with the bad." and lately i've been getting a lot of good... but the "bad" aka the EX factor is still there. I want her gone but I don't want to ruin all of the good we have going for us.... it's fantastic. when i'm not worried about what they're conversation consists of. She calls every saturday at like 12:30 or 1:30am. I don't care if she's drunk, it's still not appropriate. I love my boyfriend and don't want to fight with him that's why I keep my mouth shut. I think i'm going to go to bed... but I will try and write to catch you up.

With love,

me.

future fail....?

Ace: So what’s wrong?
Me: nothing.
Me: I’m tired. Exhausted.
Me: What are you doing?
Ace: Waking up
Me: O
Ace: Something is bothering u. I didn’t even get a kiss today.
Me: Bad night I guess.
Ace: No.. u know
Me:  Bad dream.
Ace: Hmmm I don’t believe a dream would do that but whatever
Me: Combination type deal. My bad mood carried over, got shitty sleep, had a bad dream. Just frustrated easily I guess right now.
Ace: Thought u were over last night.
Me: Meh I never know.
Ace: K
Me: I don’t know anymore. Blah.
Ace: Well I don’t know whats going on so I can’t help
Me: Why are you with me Ace?
Ace: Cause I like u
Me: I guess I don’t know where this is going or why are you’re with me… I don’t know
Ace: Well u have to decide what u want and tell me
Me: I want you, us. I want to know what I mean to you. IK where I stand and how I feel. I want to know if you see yourself with me in the future or just what you see. We don’t talk about this stuff and I feel like I never know how you really feel about me or anything.
Ace: I really don’t plan for the future. Take things day by day.
Me: I don’t think you care about me half as much as I care about you and that scares me.
Me: I think you already knew that though.
Ace: Yeah. But ive learned the hard way.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Ace: If we broke up right I wouldn’t be as hurt as last time.
Me: Which is frustrating!!! Bc I would be. I’m in love with you and you just like me. I would be torn up if we broke up, and it would just be another day for you. I have been thru this all b4 multiple times too but I still put forward everything I have in a relationship bc you don’t deserve to deal with the bs bc of something someone else did to me. But now that you and her are on good terms it would be awesome if I didn’t feel like I was still dealing with the repercussions from her.
Me: (Want me to keep going cuz I have a lot on my mind.)- pretty sure it didn’t send.**
Ace: Fair enough.
Me: ?
Ace: I thought I was doing better but I guess not.
Me: You are baby... That’s not what I meant. I guess I just have a lot of wishful thinking...    
    -my thoughts: i wish that you loved me. i wish that you wanted to be with me forever... marriage, family, the whole 9 yards. i wish that you were done talking to your stupid ex gf!!! UGH!
Ace: .... hmmm
Me: IDK how to explain how I feel without it sounding mean.
Ace: Sound mean I don’t care
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’m just being a dumb girl.
Me: I think you still care about her... I think its why you want to be friends with her. I think its why you haven’t asked her why she did it, bc you don’t want to know and don’t want to ruin the newly found friendship. I think there’s a lot more than meets the eye and I think you know it.
Ace: U know what? I’ll call her when u get home put her on speaker and tell her I can’t talk to her anymore.
Me: That’s not what its about. Its not what I want either.
Ace: Its fine. U obviously don’t believe me when I say I don’t want her.
Me: I don’t think you want her.
Ace: Then I don’t understand.
Me: Guess what?! I just got over it. I decided I wasn’t going to care about it, so I don’t anymore!! Hooray happy days! :) :D
Ace: Ur terrible at this....
Me: I am just going to ignore it. I don’t feel like letting this bother me anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m just going to focus on anything and everything else. So whatevs. Its a waste of my brain and energy to think about someone i couldn’t care less about. SO that’s what i’m going to do care less and less bc to me she’s worthless and means nothing. (no offense to you.) you cant talk to her or whatever I have better things to do though than worry.

curse the bed...

The frustration eats me ALIVE!! The days run together and I try to take the bad with the good... but lately it just seems like its more aggravation and fading trust. I want to believe it... want to trust, but I'm losing faith and sight of how to do that... I feel the circumstances are different for us here. I know and he knows, where ka$pa and I stand... but on the other hand I just feel like there are still feelings for her buried beneath the surface that he wants to let out... and they're not towards me. I get lost in what to believe... what I hear is wonderful but what I see is  different. I want to cut the ties with the past... for both of us but, I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I'm willing to make the sacrifices... any and all of them, but I'm not sure he is. I love him, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't have those feelings towards me. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place, I'm in a no win situation. I will be miserable if I end it, but staying with him drives me crazy from not knowing exactly whats happen... lack of communication if you will. :( I feel like such a burden: living with him and his parents, I need my own place soon. just waiting around with nothing to do, i need to get a social life. making him mad, i need to know what he wants in order to make him happy. i need to get my life in order... i know what my ideal step from here would be, but i don't know if I'm strong enough or stable enough. I want to celebrate the progress we've made but I can't because I find things that take us back to square one... and anymore I'm not sure we've even made it to one... i think we're stuck at none.
***AHHHHAHAHHAAHHAH!!!!!!! UGGHHHSS!!***
I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm broken. I'm in love. I'm losing hope. I'm hurt. I'm lost.....
what do you do when you're with the person you can see forever with, but they don't?

Free Falling...

I'm having a difficult time trying to come up with things to say. He leaves me speechless... I can write about the troubles we have but when things are going right, when things are going great he leaves me speechless. Doing seperate things and then planning ahead for a date... its all just wonderful. I'm just happy. I never knew how one person could fufill you so much. I guess thats what love is. They give you the balance of love and aggrivation you need. I'm can't stop myself from falling... I'm free falling... day in and day out. I'm putting in everything I've got and I'm willing to put it all on the line for him. Crazy? Maybe... or just trusting. I have hope in a bright future... in an ideal of forever with him. It just seems like its what I want and where I want to be. Who knows. People say I'm already married in my mind: I don't notice other guys the way you do when you're single or in the beginning of a relationship... I just don't have that interest, I think about what his view of my choices will be, I care to support him even if it means sacrificing my time sometimes (it's what you do). I just laugh when they tell me I'm already married in my mind... but I know its true. Its kind of nice though, its what I want. ♥

shameful regret...

Until you have been through the experience you cannot really relate. What an awful feeling to eat at you... whether it is your fault or not... it never goes away. You can't run from it... You can't forget it... and You can never erase it. The feeling that you will never be good enough for anyone. The feeling that you're broken, ugly, worthless. Being lead into this state of mind where subconciously you ruin everything just so you don't have to worry about the judgement from the ones you love finding out. Avoiding the subjects and the looks people hand out. The pain to love someone in fear of it happening again. Or just the fear of the pain you can cause from you subconcious acts of destruction. All you can ask is... Are you doing ok?

Impacted:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown
Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Author Unknown
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. ~Julins Gordon
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint
When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael LeunigTo find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault
Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~Bill Balance
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. ~Author Unknown

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass. ~French Proverb

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown
Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman. ~Robert Brault

Somewhere over the rainbow...

It is truly amazing how simply looking at things with a different attitude can improve you're entire day and life. With trying to let more little things go and ignore the silly comments, my days go so much smoother and are more enjoyable. :) I had a wonderful weekend while being with my man just laughing and having a good time. :) I feel secure and don't want that to change.
I feel secure in my relationship with him... but I know that we are still on different pages. Unknowingly this has been eating away at me to an insane degree. Last night I had a complete breakdown (with and partially because of my family).

Sitting Waiting Wishing (check it out.)
Apparently the fact that I feel confident enough and in love enough that I could marry this boy and the fact that I know he's not even close to that stage with me, is killing me. Or maybe its the idea that he says he doesn't want to get married right now (or according to him ever now) and the same goes for kids... supposedly. Don't get me wrong because I'm overjoyed being with him and being happy... and I'm not saying I want to get married or have kids right now by any means... I just kind of would like to know that those are eventually part of his plan... even just thoughts in the back of his mind. I'm strongly contemplating getting my own apartment. I'm thinking that if I do this I will be more motivated to stay at my own place and not be at his all the time. Maybe if I'm not around as much it will clarify what the future holds in store for us. Like if I'm at my place all the time will he miss me enough to COME TO ME? Or will he just want me to keep coming out there? Is he going to want to be with me more if I'm not around as often... will he see that he actually cares and wants me around enough to make a change? I will also be closer to work. Maybe he will then be motivated more to get his own place... I mean at 23, you should be ready to move out of your parents house, you should be ready to start growing up at the very least. I get it, he's got it all; no rent, free food, able to get drunk all the time with no worries, sex with ease... it's the whole package. BUT COME ON... Really? You don't have any desire to kind of do your own thing, get out from under people?
Oh well... I'm ready... ready to make the move to grow up for myself.

Happy right now...

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole life time pass, Belle fell in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief, Ariel walked on land for love & life, Snow White barley escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat & tears because love means facing your biggest fears. ♥

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill... You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away." -Meredith Gray-

I'm coming to the realization that maybe I need to stop looking for these cliche and obvious "signs of love and appreciation" and see that I have those signs... I've just been overlooking them and seeing them as something else. I am happy! And I'm not excusing him from everything by any means. And I'm not saying that he doesn't frustrate and irritate me at times... because he does, but that's a RELATIONSHIP! ((DUH!)) I'm looking for a fairytale... I'm admitting it. But if my life were a fairytale... I can tell you I wouldn't have as much fun... I know that for damn sure. Do you see these fairy tales partying?  Do you see them going on motorcycle rides? Do you see them having fun in the bedroom? ;) Or do they dance to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"? How about go to the Zoo and act silly? No... my life is way better than any damn fairytale. I don't have to give up my voice, start out as a peasant with an evil stepmother and sisters, I don't have to choose a from a pre-selected group of men to marry, I don't have to prick my finger and sleep forever, and I definitely don't have to eat a poisoness apple and die... just to get the man of my dreams. I already have him, why go through all that drama?

Sometimes you have to step back and look and the big picture... the whole picture... the front of the puzzle box, not just all the pieces scattered on the table with just a border. It's like we're always trying to put this puzzle together but we forget what were making, so we just need to look at the box. It's a nice reminder.