Good with the bad...

We all know the saying "you have to take the good with the bad." and lately i've been getting a lot of good... but the "bad" aka the EX factor is still there. I want her gone but I don't want to ruin all of the good we have going for us.... it's fantastic. when i'm not worried about what they're conversation consists of. She calls every saturday at like 12:30 or 1:30am. I don't care if she's drunk, it's still not appropriate. I love my boyfriend and don't want to fight with him that's why I keep my mouth shut. I think i'm going to go to bed... but I will try and write to catch you up.

With love,

me.

future fail....?

Ace: So what’s wrong?
Me: nothing.
Me: I’m tired. Exhausted.
Me: What are you doing?
Ace: Waking up
Me: O
Ace: Something is bothering u. I didn’t even get a kiss today.
Me: Bad night I guess.
Ace: No.. u know
Me:  Bad dream.
Ace: Hmmm I don’t believe a dream would do that but whatever
Me: Combination type deal. My bad mood carried over, got shitty sleep, had a bad dream. Just frustrated easily I guess right now.
Ace: Thought u were over last night.
Me: Meh I never know.
Ace: K
Me: I don’t know anymore. Blah.
Ace: Well I don’t know whats going on so I can’t help
Me: Why are you with me Ace?
Ace: Cause I like u
Me: I guess I don’t know where this is going or why are you’re with me… I don’t know
Ace: Well u have to decide what u want and tell me
Me: I want you, us. I want to know what I mean to you. IK where I stand and how I feel. I want to know if you see yourself with me in the future or just what you see. We don’t talk about this stuff and I feel like I never know how you really feel about me or anything.
Ace: I really don’t plan for the future. Take things day by day.
Me: I don’t think you care about me half as much as I care about you and that scares me.
Me: I think you already knew that though.
Ace: Yeah. But ive learned the hard way.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Ace: If we broke up right I wouldn’t be as hurt as last time.
Me: Which is frustrating!!! Bc I would be. I’m in love with you and you just like me. I would be torn up if we broke up, and it would just be another day for you. I have been thru this all b4 multiple times too but I still put forward everything I have in a relationship bc you don’t deserve to deal with the bs bc of something someone else did to me. But now that you and her are on good terms it would be awesome if I didn’t feel like I was still dealing with the repercussions from her.
Me: (Want me to keep going cuz I have a lot on my mind.)- pretty sure it didn’t send.**
Ace: Fair enough.
Me: ?
Ace: I thought I was doing better but I guess not.
Me: You are baby... That’s not what I meant. I guess I just have a lot of wishful thinking...    
    -my thoughts: i wish that you loved me. i wish that you wanted to be with me forever... marriage, family, the whole 9 yards. i wish that you were done talking to your stupid ex gf!!! UGH!
Ace: .... hmmm
Me: IDK how to explain how I feel without it sounding mean.
Ace: Sound mean I don’t care
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’m just being a dumb girl.
Me: I think you still care about her... I think its why you want to be friends with her. I think its why you haven’t asked her why she did it, bc you don’t want to know and don’t want to ruin the newly found friendship. I think there’s a lot more than meets the eye and I think you know it.
Ace: U know what? I’ll call her when u get home put her on speaker and tell her I can’t talk to her anymore.
Me: That’s not what its about. Its not what I want either.
Ace: Its fine. U obviously don’t believe me when I say I don’t want her.
Me: I don’t think you want her.
Ace: Then I don’t understand.
Me: Guess what?! I just got over it. I decided I wasn’t going to care about it, so I don’t anymore!! Hooray happy days! :) :D
Ace: Ur terrible at this....
Me: I am just going to ignore it. I don’t feel like letting this bother me anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m just going to focus on anything and everything else. So whatevs. Its a waste of my brain and energy to think about someone i couldn’t care less about. SO that’s what i’m going to do care less and less bc to me she’s worthless and means nothing. (no offense to you.) you cant talk to her or whatever I have better things to do though than worry.

curse the bed...

The frustration eats me ALIVE!! The days run together and I try to take the bad with the good... but lately it just seems like its more aggravation and fading trust. I want to believe it... want to trust, but I'm losing faith and sight of how to do that... I feel the circumstances are different for us here. I know and he knows, where ka$pa and I stand... but on the other hand I just feel like there are still feelings for her buried beneath the surface that he wants to let out... and they're not towards me. I get lost in what to believe... what I hear is wonderful but what I see is  different. I want to cut the ties with the past... for both of us but, I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I'm willing to make the sacrifices... any and all of them, but I'm not sure he is. I love him, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't have those feelings towards me. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place, I'm in a no win situation. I will be miserable if I end it, but staying with him drives me crazy from not knowing exactly whats happen... lack of communication if you will. :( I feel like such a burden: living with him and his parents, I need my own place soon. just waiting around with nothing to do, i need to get a social life. making him mad, i need to know what he wants in order to make him happy. i need to get my life in order... i know what my ideal step from here would be, but i don't know if I'm strong enough or stable enough. I want to celebrate the progress we've made but I can't because I find things that take us back to square one... and anymore I'm not sure we've even made it to one... i think we're stuck at none.
***AHHHHAHAHHAAHHAH!!!!!!! UGGHHHSS!!***
I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm broken. I'm in love. I'm losing hope. I'm hurt. I'm lost.....
what do you do when you're with the person you can see forever with, but they don't?

Free Falling...

I'm having a difficult time trying to come up with things to say. He leaves me speechless... I can write about the troubles we have but when things are going right, when things are going great he leaves me speechless. Doing seperate things and then planning ahead for a date... its all just wonderful. I'm just happy. I never knew how one person could fufill you so much. I guess thats what love is. They give you the balance of love and aggrivation you need. I'm can't stop myself from falling... I'm free falling... day in and day out. I'm putting in everything I've got and I'm willing to put it all on the line for him. Crazy? Maybe... or just trusting. I have hope in a bright future... in an ideal of forever with him. It just seems like its what I want and where I want to be. Who knows. People say I'm already married in my mind: I don't notice other guys the way you do when you're single or in the beginning of a relationship... I just don't have that interest, I think about what his view of my choices will be, I care to support him even if it means sacrificing my time sometimes (it's what you do). I just laugh when they tell me I'm already married in my mind... but I know its true. Its kind of nice though, its what I want. ♥

shameful regret...

Until you have been through the experience you cannot really relate. What an awful feeling to eat at you... whether it is your fault or not... it never goes away. You can't run from it... You can't forget it... and You can never erase it. The feeling that you will never be good enough for anyone. The feeling that you're broken, ugly, worthless. Being lead into this state of mind where subconciously you ruin everything just so you don't have to worry about the judgement from the ones you love finding out. Avoiding the subjects and the looks people hand out. The pain to love someone in fear of it happening again. Or just the fear of the pain you can cause from you subconcious acts of destruction. All you can ask is... Are you doing ok?

Impacted:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown
Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Author Unknown
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. ~Julins Gordon
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint
When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael LeunigTo find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault
Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~Bill Balance
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. ~Author Unknown

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass. ~French Proverb

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown
Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman. ~Robert Brault

Somewhere over the rainbow...

It is truly amazing how simply looking at things with a different attitude can improve you're entire day and life. With trying to let more little things go and ignore the silly comments, my days go so much smoother and are more enjoyable. :) I had a wonderful weekend while being with my man just laughing and having a good time. :) I feel secure and don't want that to change.
I feel secure in my relationship with him... but I know that we are still on different pages. Unknowingly this has been eating away at me to an insane degree. Last night I had a complete breakdown (with and partially because of my family).

Sitting Waiting Wishing (check it out.)
Apparently the fact that I feel confident enough and in love enough that I could marry this boy and the fact that I know he's not even close to that stage with me, is killing me. Or maybe its the idea that he says he doesn't want to get married right now (or according to him ever now) and the same goes for kids... supposedly. Don't get me wrong because I'm overjoyed being with him and being happy... and I'm not saying I want to get married or have kids right now by any means... I just kind of would like to know that those are eventually part of his plan... even just thoughts in the back of his mind. I'm strongly contemplating getting my own apartment. I'm thinking that if I do this I will be more motivated to stay at my own place and not be at his all the time. Maybe if I'm not around as much it will clarify what the future holds in store for us. Like if I'm at my place all the time will he miss me enough to COME TO ME? Or will he just want me to keep coming out there? Is he going to want to be with me more if I'm not around as often... will he see that he actually cares and wants me around enough to make a change? I will also be closer to work. Maybe he will then be motivated more to get his own place... I mean at 23, you should be ready to move out of your parents house, you should be ready to start growing up at the very least. I get it, he's got it all; no rent, free food, able to get drunk all the time with no worries, sex with ease... it's the whole package. BUT COME ON... Really? You don't have any desire to kind of do your own thing, get out from under people?
Oh well... I'm ready... ready to make the move to grow up for myself.

Happy right now...

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole life time pass, Belle fell in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief, Ariel walked on land for love & life, Snow White barley escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat & tears because love means facing your biggest fears. ♥

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill... You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away." -Meredith Gray-

I'm coming to the realization that maybe I need to stop looking for these cliche and obvious "signs of love and appreciation" and see that I have those signs... I've just been overlooking them and seeing them as something else. I am happy! And I'm not excusing him from everything by any means. And I'm not saying that he doesn't frustrate and irritate me at times... because he does, but that's a RELATIONSHIP! ((DUH!)) I'm looking for a fairytale... I'm admitting it. But if my life were a fairytale... I can tell you I wouldn't have as much fun... I know that for damn sure. Do you see these fairy tales partying?  Do you see them going on motorcycle rides? Do you see them having fun in the bedroom? ;) Or do they dance to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"? How about go to the Zoo and act silly? No... my life is way better than any damn fairytale. I don't have to give up my voice, start out as a peasant with an evil stepmother and sisters, I don't have to choose a from a pre-selected group of men to marry, I don't have to prick my finger and sleep forever, and I definitely don't have to eat a poisoness apple and die... just to get the man of my dreams. I already have him, why go through all that drama?

Sometimes you have to step back and look and the big picture... the whole picture... the front of the puzzle box, not just all the pieces scattered on the table with just a border. It's like we're always trying to put this puzzle together but we forget what were making, so we just need to look at the box. It's a nice reminder.

 

Mixed signals or emotions...?

The days are definitely going by faster now with my new job. Other things are changing too... My boyfriend and I had been fighting or just not communicating well recently. Well with the way things had been going and some of the comments he was making, I thought for sure we would not last much longer. That was until the beginning of this week. Monday, my first day at my new job, I get a text at work. Its my boyfriend saying he has to look to see if he can change the date of his vacation at work to be the week of or shortly after my birthday. I asked why and he said so that we can go to Vegas. Then Tuesday, my second day, he asked me to get him the number for a motorcycle store so he could see about ordering my matching bike helmet. Finally Wednesday, my third day of course, he worked on the car he bought fixing the leak in the break lines and then set up an appointment to get an allignment on it today. I get so lost. We have these arguements and comments are thrown back and forth that make you question the stability of your relationship but then he turns around and does all these things that make me feel like how could this end? How do we manage to have these arguments? And even more than that... how do we recover from them without ever actually talking about anything to get to a point where he wants to and does do all these things for me.

Like I said confused... do we have mixed signals or does he have mixed emotions... or even worse, both?

So much for my happy ending...

He says I think life is a fairy tale with happy endings. I know life isn't a fairy tale, look at my history. (and if it were, we wouldn't being having this conversation.) But i do believe in true love and i think life can be happy and have a happy ending but of course there will be hard parts and problems. Right along with knowing it won't all be rainbows and butterflies all the time, i also think romance creates such opportunitiy... maybe you're just not taking it! i love and care about him so much and i would give him anything in the world that he wanted, if i could. i want to see him happy. i want to him to believe that i am something... SOMEONE worth believing in, because I AM! i'm an amazing girl with so much to offer but i want someone to have something to offer in return. he has plenty to offer and then some but he's still closed off . he says taht he's a realist. i don't think that you can just be either a realist or an idealist and be happy, because we need both. there are times we need the idealist view to give us HOPE so we can make it to the next day. and sometimes we need the realist to see taht the hope that got us to today is just a temporary thing and we have to see the consequences that await us, whether they be good or bad. i love him so much, but as Eli from "Loose Girl" said "sometimes that doesn't matter and it's not enough." I guess the question is will it be enough for us? As an idealist i see a grand future full of happiness and joy. As a realist i see the possibility of many fights to come. And as a combination of the two, I see your typical healthy relationship that thrives off both love and war, like any successful relationship... i guess only time will tell.

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Random Rant of Frustration: DOUBLE STANDARDS! He yells at me for "always" drinking his drink when he gets one. (tonight included). when we went to go get ice cream i asked what he wanted. "what are you going to get?" he says. i say im not sure yet, just to tell me what he wants. he responds, "well i just have some of whatever you get." i just look at him puzzled. "what?" he says. I tell him, "nothing, its just interesting to me." then i leave and go get the ice cream. Why do you expect me to just share my shit with you when you bitch and complain about sharing with me? Don't say it's because i don't ask... because you don't either. You ASSUME that you can just have some. The difference is that I SHARE IT WITH YOU REGARDLESS, WITHOUT BITCHING AND COMPLAINING TIL NOW... and I WILL REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER!
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some quotes that just seem to hit me...
"being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."
"love me without fear. trust me without doubt. love me without restrictions. want me without demand. accept me how i am."
"if you want to see the rainbow.. you gotta put up with the rain."

Strange things...

I love him... i swear i do. Sometimes, I know i just talked about the frustration and how we put up with it when we love someone... but whats the limit? Sometimes i don't know if i'm trying to convince myself or everyone else... or maybe even just him. It kills me, how i can go out of my way to be everything someone could possibly want or need, and they still just diss you constantly. I put on a happy face when i go out into the world. Say how wonderful my boyfriend is and how i am so lucky to have, which is true sometimes... but other times, i just can't stand the abuse. The sad part i don't even know if he knows he's doing it. I mean, he should, but does he? I tell him he needs to be nicer, i leave or i get frustrated and mad at him... but nothing changes. I know that if i leave him, he won't fight for me to come back, which is partially why i don't... but its not really fair to me is it? i just would like to have the same respect that i at the very least attempt to show him. or an invite to go out with him somewhere, anywhere... guess its not cool to drag around your lame underage pissy average girlfriend. who knows... oh well for once i'm being summoned, i'm sure i'll write more later.

.... i love him.... i swear i do.... don't i?

Destination Unknown...

Upon finishing the book "Loose Girl: a memoir of promiscuity" I see the things that matter the most, the little things that show you, more than those times of utter frustration, the person you're with true feelings. The last page and a half of this book made me feel more confident in everything I have with my boyfriend. Basically the last page and a half summed up she meets a girl in Portland that she holds off on having sex with, because she's maturing. They end up getting married. (Yay, there is hope!) Shortly after her wedding she's at a bar with some friends to see a band. A guy at the other side of the bar catches her eye. They don't talk but just exchange looks for an hour before she decides she should leave... That's when he approaches her and introduces himself, and she hurries the conversation along and says that she's married. She leaves in a hurry and heads home where her husband is asleep. She thinks about how he always told her "we'll be fine." and is unsure of herself.

"I climb into bed, and half-asleep he rolls toward me. He slips an arm around my middle and nuzzles his face into my neck. I close my eyes and listen to him breathing. How lovely that sound is. Maybe, I think, I don't have to be great at this; maybe I just have to be good enough." (210)

That paragraph put everything into perspective for me. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be every other girl, in fact its fantastic that I'm not and I am good enough. He is with me and that's where we both want to be. I don't want that to change. There will always be frustrations and arguments, we're only human after all and everyone has their flaws. But when we love someone you take everything; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You won't always want to deal with all of those things, but the fact that you do shows where your heart is really at. I can bitch and complain about the things he does all day (and I will, I'm a woman for god-sake that's what we're pros at.)  but I would be lost and stuck without him in my life. Crazy? Maybe, but hey who's not a little crazy in this world.

 "The day Leif arrives, I'm ecstatic. I can't wait to get my arms around him, to get him near me. I pace my room, making myself wait to take my shower and get ready. It would be unbearable to be dressed too early. I try to read, but I can't keep the sentences in my head." (157)

This perfectly describes the madness I used to go through, but when you stay together all that excitement or stress kind of just disappears, which I'm okay with...  I just want to have my jaw dropping moments every once in awhile. :) I have some ideas on how to go about this... so we shall see how things go. FYI that book is amazing and I strongly recommend it.

The desire...

I'm reading a book called "Loose Girl: a memoir of promiscuity". It's about a girl who's constantly been walked on in her life and turns to sex to try and feel that empitness. Her desire and need to be wanted, to be loved, and for it to be known to everyone. As the book goes on it describes all of her times turning to sex with random strangers, drugs, and alcohol to try and help but none of it does. She craves and lives for this attention that she can't seem to find a satisfactory form of. I'm about 70 pages from the end but I had to stop and blog because the feelings of her desire and need to wanted and loved is hitting me hard. Currently in the story her first serious boyfriend, of about a year, and her are beginning to fight constantly, her sex drive has dwindled to almost nothing, and their constant frustrations from these things cause them to end up breaking up... sort of. They decide not to spend winter break together, he goes to florida for an internship and she goes to the Berkshires with her mom, mom's boyfriend, sister, and granparents. While her boyfriend is in florida, and she can't talk to him because he's on a boat, he meets another girl that is easy to be relaxed around. Unknowingly she decides she will do whatever it takes to stay with him and make him happy. But when he gets home and she calls she finds out about this other girl and its over for good. After which she turns back to her old lifestyle that she had given up because he had filled that empitness.

I feel like I can sort of relate to this... not necessarily regarding all the sexual partners or the drugs, but definitely the desire to be constantly wanted, loved, and to have that affection shown to me. I can relate to how she is willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, as I have been in that position a few times. Today should be a great day, I got a full time job and start Monday, I also got to enjoy a nice day at the pool with a good friend and in my new swimsuit none the less.. but I can't help but have this lingering feeling of frustration towards my boyfriend. Just the few conversations that included miscommunication and resulted in him flaring up to be a smart ass within seconds. I want everything to go smoothly all the time and if its not or if i'm frustrated I want him to be aware of my frustration and be sensitive to that. I realize that's not how things work in life and rarely do we get all the things we want or are looking for... but I feel like I am me and I try to be who he needs me to be, why can't he do the same? I love him, I really do... but sometimes I question if he actually loves me. Terrible, I know. But how do I get the point across that I need him to show me some kind of affection on his own. Not me having to initiate it and then feel like its such a hastle for him to kiss me back or to sit with me... I've told him before and he said well we can try that today, and it was a wonderful day... to me at least. Maybe to him that feels like to much work and he doesn't care enough to put that much into it.

Idk... oh well who the hell know... that's my ranting for now... back to my book.

Reminiscent...

Tomorrow will be my wonderful boyfriends birthday. I gave him part of his gift today, which was a new pair of tennis shoes he wanted. He was very thankful and sweet... but when he gets the rest of his gifts I think he will be mad, just because of the money. Oh well. :) Today I was going through my facebook and I'm not sure why but i remembered the message I sent him a while ago on there and I looked up to see what I said in that. (please note: he doesn't like facebook and doesn't know his login anymore. So he'll probably never read it.) But regardless writing and re-reading its just nice to remember. I'm not sure why.... just is. So here ya go:

Subject: :o

Between Ace of Spades and You
Baby Cheetah February 15 at 3:40pm

it [facebook] said if i knew you that i should send you a message. well... this is me sending you a message! :) assuming that you'll never read this I'm just going to say what I'm to scared to actually tell you. Like how you drive me crazy ((in a good way)) and i cant get you off my mind. and even when you do things that frustrate me... i let you off the hook because i don't want to fight with you and i don't want to risk losing the only person who's ever made work to figure life and love out. i don't want to lose this amazing guy who constantly keeps a smile on my face just by doing the little things and who has made me fall harder and harder every day I'm with him. (i am still talking about you jfyi). I'm glad everything worked out the way it did. I'm over all that fuck buddy, mary, and random girl at the bar... i just laugh about it because i get to be with you... you choose me. so why should i care about that stuff. i told you for v-day i didn't care what we did as long as i got to spend it with you... and i had an amazing day. i want so bad to tell you how the past 5 or 6 times you were drunk around me you go on about how you love me... and it kills me to hear you say it. i mean i know the saying drunk words are sober thoughts... but to me, its not the same. it sucks because i just want to tell you how much i love and am in love with you. its different from the other times... i spent at least 8 months trying to get you see that i wasn't like all those other girls and that I'm just here for you... i don't want anyone else. you are different than the other guys I've dated... just something about you... the way you kick back and just want to be happy. this is probably all just a jumbled mess and you are probably going to think I'm crazy... but right now it seems so easy to be able to say i love you and I'm in love you and i don't want it any other way (well except for you to love me back... on your own terms and when you're ready, not because you feel pressure.) so there it is. i hope i can get the courage to tell... while you're sober... maybe tonight? i just don't want you to freak out. :/ i guess I'll never know unless i try. I'm getting off here.
xoxo
baby cheetah. :D

Talk about getting in my head. :) I still love him and while the thoughts from the past and other women etc. get to me at times, He's with me and I wouldn't change that for the world.
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On the same note... sort of, as in the note of my boyfriend, today was a good day. I love the being needed feeling. I really LOVE playing the ideal role of the girlfriend (a lot more than I thought I would.) While he was out working on my car he asked me to make him a sandwich, and then I just brought him a water because I knew he would be dying in that heat. After that he was saying how he should have put on sunscreen and I told him I would get him some and then I got him a hat. When i came back out with that stuff I put the sunscreen on him.... I don't know but i loved that feeling so much! :) I just like being needed by him, makes me feel like he wants me there, he can appreciate me, and makes me feel like I'm not useless. Is that bad that I enjoy playing into the gender role of the girlfriend... and catering to my man? Hmmm... I don't think it's bad unless he uses me for that stuff.

Innocent/Horny Girl meets Man Whore...

I would feel it fit to say that everyone (usually) has at least one relationship that they look back on and say "what the hell was i doing with them?" then we grow up realize how far we've come and how we can do so much better than that (and hopefully we have). For me that was my high school boyfriend, LL Cool J*. I was a Jr. and average. I wasn't popular or a complete loser, but had friends in every circle. I went to school, because at the time there was no other option. I was there purely because I had to be, not because I wanted to be. Socializing was easy for me, but not my life and I didn't not care what people thought of me so I just followed my own trend. Which for most everyday consisted of jeans, an over sized hoody, hair in a messy ponytail, no makeup, and a bottle of dr. pepper. My "high school sweetheart" LL Cool J was a sophomore, not the brightest crayon in the box, and had some interesting hobbies... as in rap (he was white). He walked, talked, and dressed the part. I thought he was everything I had been looking for. He didn't care what I wore, how I looked, or the way I acted. My friends didn't see what I saw in him... or maybe it was the other way around. Now looking back, I'm glad I'm with Ace* because LL Cool J and I would have never worked out for a lifetime, but I did learn a lot from that relationship and I'm thankful for that. We would make great friends if we could ever get past the same stupid arguments that ruined our relationship. But anyways, back to my point, he was my "what was i thinking" relationship. I kinda feel like we have to have them but at the same time i hope not. I have a close friend Gigi* who's boyfriend Mit* I don't feel like is right for her. She's 20 years old and I get that she can make her own choices... but they've only been together for like 2 and half  months and are completely rushing things. Gigi has NEVER had a boyfriend... she is the epitome of innocent and Mit has the rep of being a man whore, stalker  type. Both Mit and Gigi are currently members of the Mormon church. Mit is a convert and Gigi has been a member her whole life. Part of the religion is no sex before marriage, you're not supposed to spend the night with a person of the opposite sex, you're not supposed to go further than kissing/making out. By not following these "guidelines" you at the very least have to go through the process of repentance and at worst can be ex-communicated. Mit is "supposedly" wanting to go on mission and Gigi is now considering going on one also, but even without a mission in mind the things they are getting into are preventing them from a temple marriage. So my conclusion is that when an innocent/horny girl (even with morals) gets together with a man whore (who i feel only "claims" to have the same morals) there can only be trouble... and i know that if Gigi does go all the way with him (or anyone before she's married) she will regret it.

Ok enough with my insane ramblings... that took forever to get to what I was trying to get at. More when I have something else to rant about. Enjoy your holiday weekend!

*indicates name changed so not reveal their actual identities... duh!

Birthday Sex....

My boyfriend's birthday is coming up within the next week or so.... I bought him a new pair of tennis shoes, a drinking game, and i'm giving him $150 to put towards buying a new motorcycle helmet. He's told me plenty of times that all he wants is anal sex. He's been trying to get me to do this with him since before christmas. I told him that I would CONSIDER it... that's not a guaranteed yes, but i'm not completely shutting down his idea. But i also told him in order for me to CONSIDER this he would have to do his research on how it to go about it, with it being out first time and all. The subject was brought up again today over text.

Me: Have you even looked into it? (porn doesn't count).
Him: Sure.....
Me: So no. You can't expect me to do it with you if you don't know what you're doing.
Him: I know what I'm doing.
Me: How? You've done it before?
Him: Insert in hole.
Me: No. That's not just how it works. There's a lot more to it.
Him: Sure.
Me: Unlike you I've done my reading. But you're the one who wants it so you need to do your part.
Him: Lol. Tell me.
Me: Nope. If you really wanted to do it then you would read up. But until you can tell me, I don't trust you to do that. Because there is more to know than "Insert in hole."
Him: Lol.
Me: Glad it's funny to you. Have you done it before?
Him: No.

I am not the one who is pushing for this to happen. I am trying to be open minded though and the person that wants it to happen is not willing to put forth the effort to look it up and read a little about how to go about so that you're not hurting the woman. A lot of a pain and infections etc can happen from doing this, so I feel he needs to be responsible and do his research so we do it right. Although if he is not going to take it seriously then I suppose he's going to be in for a sad birthday. Meh, not my problem I guess...  

Drama-Rama....

i'm so glad that my boyfriend understands and is on my side when it comes to the drama i deal with my girlfriends. i only really have about two close girlfriends... i have a lot of girls that im acquainted with, but aren't like best freind material per say... but now looking at it... i'm not sure i know what best friend material is. i had a bunch of stuff planned out for one of my "best friends" birthday. she was supposed to go to dinner with her family and boyfriend then her and her boyfriend we're to show up at the bowling alley. we we're supposed to go bowling at 9pm. when i called to see where she was at and if she needed a ride, she informed me that she was just heading out to dinner. then she asked what i was doing, and being frustrated from knowing that she was not going to show up that night i responded in a bitchy tone "well not going to buy you shit." this offended her and she said it was not her fault etc. later that night on her fb she updated her status thanking all the kids from church who decorated her car, another girl that we grew up with who went on a bike ride, took her to lunch, and took her shopping (please note she always complains about how annoying this girl is), and she thanked her "wonderful boyfriend" all for making her birthday so special. I wanted to comment so badly, but refrained. Because it would have gone something like this: "well glad to im a shitty best friend compared to all the others whom you tagged above because i clearly didnt do shit for my best friend on her birthday. But let me clarify that it is not my fault considering i had already planned to hang with you that night in advanced. but don't worry bc now i will be the bitchy friend, i took your gifts back and i don't feel bad, i needed to save money anyways." this is precisely why i did not comment.

on a totally different note... my boyfirend have an amazing sex life no problems, we keep it interesting and mix it up for the most part.... but i'm bothered by a few things.
1. Anal... really. i get the excitement of it being uncharted terrritory and tight so it would be a totally new experience, but im not sure that i really want to go all the way of having anal sex.  i mean i let him dabble a bit... but im not ready nor do i know that i ever will be to do that. just kinda want him to back off the subject.
2. I don't shut him down hardly ever... outside of being that time of the month i think i've only said no like 3 times and only actually not let it happen once. So get off my back if i'm not in the mood. i know you watch porn, why can't you just go take care of it for yourself for the 3 times i'm not in the mood. I told him "surely you can't enjoy it if i'm just laying there not in the mood..." he said- well no, but it feels better atleast to pound away at it and get off... better than my hand. i mean neither one would be showing any emotion so its not really any different, but it feels better inside you. i just left it alone... but really, no emotion? DUH IM NOT IN THE MOOD! If i feel gross and sweaty and i'm tired then its probably good chance i'm not going to be able to get horny! God, give me a break.
3.Porn... like i stated above i know he watches porn... and its whatever, he doesn't watch it nearly as much as he used to. but today after the whole no emotion thing and me telling him to watch porn i left for work. While driving to work i get a text that says "Mmm much better mood now."  JUST BECAUSE I TELL YOU TO GO WATCH/TAKE CARE OF IT FOR YOURSELF, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! maybe thats just me. but knowing that you watch porn and knowing the second after you got off to porn are two totally different things. i don't want to know that you're in a better mood bc you watched it, got off, and it was thanks to some other girl who was probably getting fucked in the ass!!

--well that's enough venting for the day... who knows maybe there will be more, idk i guess we'll see how the day goes.--

In Shock...

i'm learning that if i'm patient and i don't force things upon him... he finds a way to show me how much he cares. today we went to look at a car his sister had got. she said she'd sell it to me for $150, i could afford that. then while were up there we found it needed a few things... but nothing really bad or expensive. but she started telling us about another car that was newer and in better shape... she explained that the girl was asking $1000 but it was negotiable. my boyfriend then on the way home asked me what i thought etc. he said that whatever his dad said was the more reliable car he was going to get for me. i told him i couldnt afford $1000 dollars and he said it didn't matter because he had the money and would be buying it. i was just in shock that i had given him such little credit assuming that he would just say "hmm. $150 or $1000? ok im only going to pay $150."  but instead he said that he "doesn't car about the money, you need a safe, reliable car that gets better gas mileage." I'm just so thrilled that he is my boyfriend and to know that he really cares. i love him a lot, although it may not always seem that way... i do. ♥

Honestly....

"I often wonder if ur actaully happy, do u know what true happiness is? Did u fall in love with who he is today or did u fall in love with the image that every one else has built him up to be? He's got to make u happy sometime I guess or I think u would have been gone by now. Sometimes u have to "fight" for what u want. There are those of us in this world that care about u, are there for u, and are supporting u in what ever decision u make in life. We're there for u through thick and thin, wrong or right, yes even at 3:37 in the morning if that's when u need a shoulder to cry on."
-a close friend-

Let me start out with this quote because I believe it is so suiting for this post, "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley. I believe that I've over-compensated my image of him from the things that I hear from other people. I have created my own reality... in which he's everything I see daily and more... which isn't completely untrue. I fell in love with both the ideals that everyone talked about (and i believe are still within his reach he's just avoiding them currently) and i fell in love with the man he is now. I am slowly but surely learning to fight harder for what i want and feel i deserve and as i do this i am finding that he communicates when i push and don't let him avoid the conversations. He and i just view things differently and that is a-o-kay with me, i just needed to understand his view.

Caring-
Me: when you take me out (on a one-on-one date..romance me), you tell me you love me, you choose me over friends, i say i'm leaving and you don't let me go.
Him: when i invite you to go out w/ me and my friends and you're the only girl there, when i have you over all the time, when i take you out to dinner, when i attend an event or outing that you asked me to go to.

Think I'm attractive-
Me: when you tell me i'm pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, when you say you wouldn't trade me for anyone (except maybe bali rodriguez), when you compliment me on anything.
You: when i tell you that you look good in an outfit (or don't) and you change it to something i do like/think you look good in, when i tell you what my favorite outfit on you is, when i tell you that you look sexy (in lingerie, only time i've ever heard that).

I have no problems accepting those things, in fact it makes it so much easier because now i can appreciate you for those things SO MUCH MORE than i was when i DID NOT know that's what that meant to you. Communication is Key! But to end this on the positive note in which i am now on within my relationship, I truely love him for who he is now, was before me, and whomever he may become in the future. I believe that he and i can last a lifetime, but like everything else in life you gotta put in hard work before it is ever easy. He's the one worth suffering for (although it doesn't happen often), he's the one who can make me laugh, cry, smile, love, and hurt... but i wouldn't have it any other way... He is the one I love; truely, honestly, and completely. I got to fall in love with him, i wouldn't trade that for anything. ♥

Maybe Someday...

i love these rainy days and how they come at the perfect time... because when it rains no one can see the tears that are falling from my face. because the rain knows how i feel.
--------------------------------
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
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why do you make things so difficult? why cant you show me the love you showed them? im honest, im true, im loyal to you...
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5:01pmMe
idk he loved erin.. (an i think kinda foresaw them getting marrie but then the whole thing was a lie bc she had pretty much been cehating on him the entire time)
5:02pmErika
so maybe that is why he is afraid...cause he has strong feelings for you...but he has bit him in the ass before...
5:02pmMe
but i feel like ive proved to him that im loyal to him and idk what else to do or say bc when i try and talk to him about stuff like that he avoids the conversaiton at any and all costs... :/
5:03pmErika
I know thats how I was when I first got with Nathan...I was 'crazy' in a sence because of what has happened to me...but I eventually calmed down about it and it got a lot better
5:03pmMe
i just dont know... im a wreck toay
today**
5:04pmErika
Its up to you what your next move is, my dear... but I think he has been burned before, and he seems to be more stubborn than most...lol
so it may take him awhile
5:04pmMe
stubborn doesnt begin to cover it!
lol
5:04pmErika
if you are willing to put up with it, then do it and show him you are always going to be there. ya know? but if it is making you unhappy, then you need to say or do something...
cause if you aren't happy...it may just end up getting worse...and you are gonna get stuck in a rut...
5:05pmMe
and im trying so amn hard to patient with him... but ik how long i can hol on. and it hurts me bc i do love himlike crazy! but i have needs too!
5:05pmErika
exactly
you guys do need to take time to talk about it...and I know it isn't your fault you haven't been...but you need to find a way to get through to him and let him know something has to change
I wish I could help you and tell you how...ya know
5:06pmMe
((fyi the 'D' key on this laptop sucks... it decides when it wants to type so thats why its always missing. lol))
5:07pmErika
I have a co-worker who just gave her ring back to her boyfriend because he hasn't been caring about her needs and talking to her and all that
5:07pmMe
ik i tried last night... his response: well if its not what you want or you cant hanle it, then break up with me.
5:07pmErika
and she said she wishes she would ave tried to communicate earlier with him so she would have known it earlier
5:08pmMe
what the hell am i suppose to o with that.
5:08pmErika
hmm...it sounds like he is saying that because he knows you won't leave...
maybe
I wasn't there, so I could be wrong
what did you say after that?
5:09pmMe
thatim not leaving... :( i tol him i love being with him but i just feel like im kinda getting the short end of the stick
5:10pmErika
what did he say to that
5:11pmMe
well its your choice if your not happy leave.
i just didnt say anything
5:11pmErika
wow...and then after that...how did he act?
5:12pmMe
like the nonchalant asshole he' been being all day...
5:12pmErika
hmm
well you know what you have to do...you have to talk to him..cause if you aren't happy something has to change...
I mean I know you don't want to leave him...and I don't want you to either...I love you guys together...but something needs to change...
5:14pmErika
'sometimes goodbye is a second chance' I know that doesn't help...but the song came on...
5:15pmMe
i told him all i want is just like a little bit of the small things... the sweet comments or gestures.. he thinks we dont have any problems so theres nothing to fix.
5:16pmMe
i told him... if i feel like you dont appreciate me you dont think thats a problem? he sai well idk why youd feel that way.. an that was basically the end of thath convo
5:17pmErika
I've had that convo with Nathan before
he said the same thing....but things changed after he had time to think about what I said and how I felt
they put up a front...but they really do care
5:18pmMe
just show me taht you fucking care... why is that so hard for him to do? i do it all day every day... he could do it with all of his bitch exs?
5:19pmErika
did he?
5:20pmMe
yea... tahts why it drives me crazy! he was sweet did sweet things just becasue and for all the holiays. he woul plan picnics and all kinds of stuff... but now that im here and im actually being real w/ him about everything and put up with all his riiculous bullshit... hes not like that
5:22pmErika
well maybe he thinks it didn't work in the past...so why bother?
I dunno...it could be a thought in his head...
Nathan just called me...and when I was texting him before he said he was going to lunch, I guess Trev was with him and making fun of my texts...
so its not just you...if that makes you feel better
lol
5:23pmMe
do you know he's never once told me im pretty beautiful or anything like that?
the closest ive got was i like that outfit. ((i was in jeans a white tank w/ a royals jersey an flip flops))
5:24pmErika
Nathan said he was all "I need you...why are you ignoring me...why can't you just text me all day'' and blah blah blah...even tho I wasn't...lol I sent him like three texts today total.
Nathan has never said those things to me either
(pretty and all that)
5:25pmMe
fuck him.. god that irritates me.. bc if hes saying that bout your text then god knows what he actually thinks when im texting him
5:25pmErika
I just don't expect it from him...cause he never has...
well when Nathan told me that, I figured Nathan told Trev about our convo yesterday...I told him it upset me that he went all freakin day w/o texting me
5:26pmMe
it'd be nice to be reassured that hes attracted to me... esp when i listen to him talk about any chick that has huge boobs andd he thinks is attractive
5:26pmErika
so its not your boy..its mine complaning about me and trev just doing it with him
5:26pmMe
idc which one it is... its still unnecessary and dumb.
they need to grow up
5:27pmErika
Nathan does the same thing tho! He can talk about these good looking girls and their boobs and all that...but not about me
agreed
5:27pmMe
fucking stupid and DISRESPECTFUL... in my opinion
5:27pmErika
I agree...but the way I think about it...at least Nathan told me about it...instead of him and Trev laughing about it behind my back...ya know?
and I'm sure we do the same thing...hell we are complaining about them right now...lol
5:28pmMe
fair enough.. (sorta)
5:28pmErika
but I agree with you...nonetheless
5:30pmMe
:)
5:31pmErika
You talking about the things your boyfriend does and seeing that my boyfriend does the same thing...it looks like it is just the kind of boys we chose...
5:31pmMe
lol this true
5:32pmErika
if it was just your boy I would say that sucks you need a new boy...but it seems to be things they both do and I've heard it from other girls too...
so we just have to pick our battles and just get used to some things
as much as I would love for Nathan to be sweet at times...its just not him...
5:33pmMe
im such a hopeless romantic...
5:33pmErika
and my mom said the same thing about my dad...he was never sweet...but every once in a blue moon he made up for it...but it took awhile for him to 'settle down' and be that way...
me too
haha I agree 100%
5:34pmMe
i told trever that i am when i was w/ him in wichita... he said i used to be... i was like you cant be that way again?... he just said no, idk, maybe someday... i was like well can someday come someday soon... we laughed an then just kinda dropped it...
5:35pmErika
yea...
5:36pmMe
except i was being serious and idk if he picked that up..
i love to spoil my bf... but i wanna be spoiled sometimes too... oh well. maybe someday...
5:36pmErika
I know how you feel...
5:37pmMe
lol we can just be sweet to each other and spoil each other w/ flowers and candy! make them take a double take... lmao
5:38pmErika
haha
5:38pmMe
:P thats my creative side kicking in! hah
5:43pmErika
sounds good to me...lol
Hey I'm gonna go cook somethin for dinner...I'll ttyl
5:44pmMe
ok later. :)
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so my life goes.... i love you... i dont wanna leave you... but i need you to unerstand me... please try to understand me.