shameful regret...

Until you have been through the experience you cannot really relate. What an awful feeling to eat at you... whether it is your fault or not... it never goes away. You can't run from it... You can't forget it... and You can never erase it. The feeling that you will never be good enough for anyone. The feeling that you're broken, ugly, worthless. Being lead into this state of mind where subconciously you ruin everything just so you don't have to worry about the judgement from the ones you love finding out. Avoiding the subjects and the looks people hand out. The pain to love someone in fear of it happening again. Or just the fear of the pain you can cause from you subconcious acts of destruction. All you can ask is... Are you doing ok?

Impacted:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown
Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. ~Author Unknown
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. ~Julins Gordon
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint
When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~Proverb
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael LeunigTo find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. ~Robert Brault
Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~Bill Balance
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. ~Author Unknown

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass. ~French Proverb

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown
Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman. ~Robert Brault

Somewhere over the rainbow...

It is truly amazing how simply looking at things with a different attitude can improve you're entire day and life. With trying to let more little things go and ignore the silly comments, my days go so much smoother and are more enjoyable. :) I had a wonderful weekend while being with my man just laughing and having a good time. :) I feel secure and don't want that to change.
I feel secure in my relationship with him... but I know that we are still on different pages. Unknowingly this has been eating away at me to an insane degree. Last night I had a complete breakdown (with and partially because of my family).

Sitting Waiting Wishing (check it out.)
Apparently the fact that I feel confident enough and in love enough that I could marry this boy and the fact that I know he's not even close to that stage with me, is killing me. Or maybe its the idea that he says he doesn't want to get married right now (or according to him ever now) and the same goes for kids... supposedly. Don't get me wrong because I'm overjoyed being with him and being happy... and I'm not saying I want to get married or have kids right now by any means... I just kind of would like to know that those are eventually part of his plan... even just thoughts in the back of his mind. I'm strongly contemplating getting my own apartment. I'm thinking that if I do this I will be more motivated to stay at my own place and not be at his all the time. Maybe if I'm not around as much it will clarify what the future holds in store for us. Like if I'm at my place all the time will he miss me enough to COME TO ME? Or will he just want me to keep coming out there? Is he going to want to be with me more if I'm not around as often... will he see that he actually cares and wants me around enough to make a change? I will also be closer to work. Maybe he will then be motivated more to get his own place... I mean at 23, you should be ready to move out of your parents house, you should be ready to start growing up at the very least. I get it, he's got it all; no rent, free food, able to get drunk all the time with no worries, sex with ease... it's the whole package. BUT COME ON... Really? You don't have any desire to kind of do your own thing, get out from under people?
Oh well... I'm ready... ready to make the move to grow up for myself.

Happy right now...

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole life time pass, Belle fell in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief, Ariel walked on land for love & life, Snow White barley escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat & tears because love means facing your biggest fears. ♥

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill... You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away." -Meredith Gray-

I'm coming to the realization that maybe I need to stop looking for these cliche and obvious "signs of love and appreciation" and see that I have those signs... I've just been overlooking them and seeing them as something else. I am happy! And I'm not excusing him from everything by any means. And I'm not saying that he doesn't frustrate and irritate me at times... because he does, but that's a RELATIONSHIP! ((DUH!)) I'm looking for a fairytale... I'm admitting it. But if my life were a fairytale... I can tell you I wouldn't have as much fun... I know that for damn sure. Do you see these fairy tales partying?  Do you see them going on motorcycle rides? Do you see them having fun in the bedroom? ;) Or do they dance to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"? How about go to the Zoo and act silly? No... my life is way better than any damn fairytale. I don't have to give up my voice, start out as a peasant with an evil stepmother and sisters, I don't have to choose a from a pre-selected group of men to marry, I don't have to prick my finger and sleep forever, and I definitely don't have to eat a poisoness apple and die... just to get the man of my dreams. I already have him, why go through all that drama?

Sometimes you have to step back and look and the big picture... the whole picture... the front of the puzzle box, not just all the pieces scattered on the table with just a border. It's like we're always trying to put this puzzle together but we forget what were making, so we just need to look at the box. It's a nice reminder.

 

Mixed signals or emotions...?

The days are definitely going by faster now with my new job. Other things are changing too... My boyfriend and I had been fighting or just not communicating well recently. Well with the way things had been going and some of the comments he was making, I thought for sure we would not last much longer. That was until the beginning of this week. Monday, my first day at my new job, I get a text at work. Its my boyfriend saying he has to look to see if he can change the date of his vacation at work to be the week of or shortly after my birthday. I asked why and he said so that we can go to Vegas. Then Tuesday, my second day, he asked me to get him the number for a motorcycle store so he could see about ordering my matching bike helmet. Finally Wednesday, my third day of course, he worked on the car he bought fixing the leak in the break lines and then set up an appointment to get an allignment on it today. I get so lost. We have these arguements and comments are thrown back and forth that make you question the stability of your relationship but then he turns around and does all these things that make me feel like how could this end? How do we manage to have these arguments? And even more than that... how do we recover from them without ever actually talking about anything to get to a point where he wants to and does do all these things for me.

Like I said confused... do we have mixed signals or does he have mixed emotions... or even worse, both?

So much for my happy ending...

He says I think life is a fairy tale with happy endings. I know life isn't a fairy tale, look at my history. (and if it were, we wouldn't being having this conversation.) But i do believe in true love and i think life can be happy and have a happy ending but of course there will be hard parts and problems. Right along with knowing it won't all be rainbows and butterflies all the time, i also think romance creates such opportunitiy... maybe you're just not taking it! i love and care about him so much and i would give him anything in the world that he wanted, if i could. i want to see him happy. i want to him to believe that i am something... SOMEONE worth believing in, because I AM! i'm an amazing girl with so much to offer but i want someone to have something to offer in return. he has plenty to offer and then some but he's still closed off . he says taht he's a realist. i don't think that you can just be either a realist or an idealist and be happy, because we need both. there are times we need the idealist view to give us HOPE so we can make it to the next day. and sometimes we need the realist to see taht the hope that got us to today is just a temporary thing and we have to see the consequences that await us, whether they be good or bad. i love him so much, but as Eli from "Loose Girl" said "sometimes that doesn't matter and it's not enough." I guess the question is will it be enough for us? As an idealist i see a grand future full of happiness and joy. As a realist i see the possibility of many fights to come. And as a combination of the two, I see your typical healthy relationship that thrives off both love and war, like any successful relationship... i guess only time will tell.

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Random Rant of Frustration: DOUBLE STANDARDS! He yells at me for "always" drinking his drink when he gets one. (tonight included). when we went to go get ice cream i asked what he wanted. "what are you going to get?" he says. i say im not sure yet, just to tell me what he wants. he responds, "well i just have some of whatever you get." i just look at him puzzled. "what?" he says. I tell him, "nothing, its just interesting to me." then i leave and go get the ice cream. Why do you expect me to just share my shit with you when you bitch and complain about sharing with me? Don't say it's because i don't ask... because you don't either. You ASSUME that you can just have some. The difference is that I SHARE IT WITH YOU REGARDLESS, WITHOUT BITCHING AND COMPLAINING TIL NOW... and I WILL REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER!
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some quotes that just seem to hit me...
"being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."
"love me without fear. trust me without doubt. love me without restrictions. want me without demand. accept me how i am."
"if you want to see the rainbow.. you gotta put up with the rain."

Strange things...

I love him... i swear i do. Sometimes, I know i just talked about the frustration and how we put up with it when we love someone... but whats the limit? Sometimes i don't know if i'm trying to convince myself or everyone else... or maybe even just him. It kills me, how i can go out of my way to be everything someone could possibly want or need, and they still just diss you constantly. I put on a happy face when i go out into the world. Say how wonderful my boyfriend is and how i am so lucky to have, which is true sometimes... but other times, i just can't stand the abuse. The sad part i don't even know if he knows he's doing it. I mean, he should, but does he? I tell him he needs to be nicer, i leave or i get frustrated and mad at him... but nothing changes. I know that if i leave him, he won't fight for me to come back, which is partially why i don't... but its not really fair to me is it? i just would like to have the same respect that i at the very least attempt to show him. or an invite to go out with him somewhere, anywhere... guess its not cool to drag around your lame underage pissy average girlfriend. who knows... oh well for once i'm being summoned, i'm sure i'll write more later.

.... i love him.... i swear i do.... don't i?

Destination Unknown...

Upon finishing the book "Loose Girl: a memoir of promiscuity" I see the things that matter the most, the little things that show you, more than those times of utter frustration, the person you're with true feelings. The last page and a half of this book made me feel more confident in everything I have with my boyfriend. Basically the last page and a half summed up she meets a girl in Portland that she holds off on having sex with, because she's maturing. They end up getting married. (Yay, there is hope!) Shortly after her wedding she's at a bar with some friends to see a band. A guy at the other side of the bar catches her eye. They don't talk but just exchange looks for an hour before she decides she should leave... That's when he approaches her and introduces himself, and she hurries the conversation along and says that she's married. She leaves in a hurry and heads home where her husband is asleep. She thinks about how he always told her "we'll be fine." and is unsure of herself.

"I climb into bed, and half-asleep he rolls toward me. He slips an arm around my middle and nuzzles his face into my neck. I close my eyes and listen to him breathing. How lovely that sound is. Maybe, I think, I don't have to be great at this; maybe I just have to be good enough." (210)

That paragraph put everything into perspective for me. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be every other girl, in fact its fantastic that I'm not and I am good enough. He is with me and that's where we both want to be. I don't want that to change. There will always be frustrations and arguments, we're only human after all and everyone has their flaws. But when we love someone you take everything; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You won't always want to deal with all of those things, but the fact that you do shows where your heart is really at. I can bitch and complain about the things he does all day (and I will, I'm a woman for god-sake that's what we're pros at.)  but I would be lost and stuck without him in my life. Crazy? Maybe, but hey who's not a little crazy in this world.

 "The day Leif arrives, I'm ecstatic. I can't wait to get my arms around him, to get him near me. I pace my room, making myself wait to take my shower and get ready. It would be unbearable to be dressed too early. I try to read, but I can't keep the sentences in my head." (157)

This perfectly describes the madness I used to go through, but when you stay together all that excitement or stress kind of just disappears, which I'm okay with...  I just want to have my jaw dropping moments every once in awhile. :) I have some ideas on how to go about this... so we shall see how things go. FYI that book is amazing and I strongly recommend it.

The desire...

I'm reading a book called "Loose Girl: a memoir of promiscuity". It's about a girl who's constantly been walked on in her life and turns to sex to try and feel that empitness. Her desire and need to be wanted, to be loved, and for it to be known to everyone. As the book goes on it describes all of her times turning to sex with random strangers, drugs, and alcohol to try and help but none of it does. She craves and lives for this attention that she can't seem to find a satisfactory form of. I'm about 70 pages from the end but I had to stop and blog because the feelings of her desire and need to wanted and loved is hitting me hard. Currently in the story her first serious boyfriend, of about a year, and her are beginning to fight constantly, her sex drive has dwindled to almost nothing, and their constant frustrations from these things cause them to end up breaking up... sort of. They decide not to spend winter break together, he goes to florida for an internship and she goes to the Berkshires with her mom, mom's boyfriend, sister, and granparents. While her boyfriend is in florida, and she can't talk to him because he's on a boat, he meets another girl that is easy to be relaxed around. Unknowingly she decides she will do whatever it takes to stay with him and make him happy. But when he gets home and she calls she finds out about this other girl and its over for good. After which she turns back to her old lifestyle that she had given up because he had filled that empitness.

I feel like I can sort of relate to this... not necessarily regarding all the sexual partners or the drugs, but definitely the desire to be constantly wanted, loved, and to have that affection shown to me. I can relate to how she is willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, as I have been in that position a few times. Today should be a great day, I got a full time job and start Monday, I also got to enjoy a nice day at the pool with a good friend and in my new swimsuit none the less.. but I can't help but have this lingering feeling of frustration towards my boyfriend. Just the few conversations that included miscommunication and resulted in him flaring up to be a smart ass within seconds. I want everything to go smoothly all the time and if its not or if i'm frustrated I want him to be aware of my frustration and be sensitive to that. I realize that's not how things work in life and rarely do we get all the things we want or are looking for... but I feel like I am me and I try to be who he needs me to be, why can't he do the same? I love him, I really do... but sometimes I question if he actually loves me. Terrible, I know. But how do I get the point across that I need him to show me some kind of affection on his own. Not me having to initiate it and then feel like its such a hastle for him to kiss me back or to sit with me... I've told him before and he said well we can try that today, and it was a wonderful day... to me at least. Maybe to him that feels like to much work and he doesn't care enough to put that much into it.

Idk... oh well who the hell know... that's my ranting for now... back to my book.