Eternal Hell

"Every night she cries herself to sleep thinking, why does this happen to me?" 

I can't begin to describe the things that send me on the up's and down's I go through on a daily basis. I see your pictures, our pictures, everyday. I cannot take them down, make the go away. It is my reminder of my mistake. The passion I feel towards you is the only passion I can find. How do I find what I want in someone else when I know you have it all. People say things get easier, there's a light at the end of the tunnel or that you have to face the rain to get the rainbow... can someone be real with me? Just tell me to face the facts? I don't get the boy in the end, I can't fix my mistakes and its gone forever. Stop hoping. (Even though its the only reason I push through each day.) Hope  is a funny word, by definition it means: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: Well guess what... that is going down the drain, and fast! My mind, body, soul, and heart can't keep up anymore. I love you, until the end of time... but I am running out of options and fast. The second you say you want me I am there, no questions asked... and I can't change that. While that may not be a good thing, its the ONLY thing I can do. Like I said I love and am in love with you... I just hope some day you find a way to feel the same again. I am sorry for all the pain I caused you and hope you know its an eternal damnation for me now days. 
The best to you, 

Lemonade Stand

You know the saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and everyone is reacts with the sigh, eye roll, and shut the hell up look? I know you know what I am talking about, because I used to be the person with that reaction. Now days though, what I wouldn't do to have some flipping lemons, instead of the damn boulders it seems keep piling up in my front yard. You can't make anything with boulders! I don't know how much more I can carry on my shoulders. I put some of my problems out there, but like all people you never share all of your secrets or problems. It seems impossible that I'm still afloat considering my mental state and lack of funds to pay the bills. So, stupidly, I spend my money on the things that only temporarily make me not care until the next day when everything comes back head on. I want so bad to quit life, but can't justify hurting my friends and family because I'm too overloaded, confused, and in too deep. I'm $20+ G's in debt, head over heels for the one guy I can never have again, without a car, tickets that need to be paid, all which equal out to BROKE! I can't tell anyone because I can't stand hearing the same advice over and over again. I'm stuck and don't know how to fix all these problems. I am starting to feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable ... like one day it's all just going to eat me alive. You know what the worst part is? I just don't care anymore... some days I just want to get in a car wreck or some freak accident where a a random beam falls and kills me. I just don't want to live through this anymore because I don't know how to. Suggestions? Feel free to comment. I send my best wishes to everyone out there in hopes that you can all find solutions to your problems and not reach the point in which I am at. 


Goodnight all and good luck.

Cheater cheater....

Mentally at the very least. I'm sorry for that, so so sorry. (I really did think I had what it would take to turn you around... guess you can never really change a person. Guess I was never as good as I thought I was, especially to you. You deserve something amazing, magical, fantastical... something permanent. I hope you find that... I really do.) I've never met anyone near as unique as you. You create a sense a freedom and a feeling of being carefree. You are the one who opened me up to so many things... for that I thank you. I'm sorry, though I tried with everything I had, I could not do the same for you. I think that's where I lost it. I could just hear you keep saying those things to me... it became overly discouraging. If you would have had one positive futuristic thought that you had voiced... I don't think I could have ever doubted you. I'm trying to make myself happy. I hope you can respect that. I would have never planned things the way they went. I had my future planned out with you. Your "brutal honesty" is what drove me away... I tried to warn you. I told you I had breaking points. I wish you would have listened.... I wish you would have heard me. I was crying on the inside and out. I love you... that is one thing I can never make go away. I know you probably hate me... but I hope that someday we'll get past that. I hope that we'll be friends.... someday. I will miss you in my life. So... for now, until someday... Good luck. 

With all my love, 

Babeez.