The desire...

I'm reading a book called "Loose Girl: a memoir of promiscuity". It's about a girl who's constantly been walked on in her life and turns to sex to try and feel that empitness. Her desire and need to be wanted, to be loved, and for it to be known to everyone. As the book goes on it describes all of her times turning to sex with random strangers, drugs, and alcohol to try and help but none of it does. She craves and lives for this attention that she can't seem to find a satisfactory form of. I'm about 70 pages from the end but I had to stop and blog because the feelings of her desire and need to wanted and loved is hitting me hard. Currently in the story her first serious boyfriend, of about a year, and her are beginning to fight constantly, her sex drive has dwindled to almost nothing, and their constant frustrations from these things cause them to end up breaking up... sort of. They decide not to spend winter break together, he goes to florida for an internship and she goes to the Berkshires with her mom, mom's boyfriend, sister, and granparents. While her boyfriend is in florida, and she can't talk to him because he's on a boat, he meets another girl that is easy to be relaxed around. Unknowingly she decides she will do whatever it takes to stay with him and make him happy. But when he gets home and she calls she finds out about this other girl and its over for good. After which she turns back to her old lifestyle that she had given up because he had filled that empitness.

I feel like I can sort of relate to this... not necessarily regarding all the sexual partners or the drugs, but definitely the desire to be constantly wanted, loved, and to have that affection shown to me. I can relate to how she is willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, as I have been in that position a few times. Today should be a great day, I got a full time job and start Monday, I also got to enjoy a nice day at the pool with a good friend and in my new swimsuit none the less.. but I can't help but have this lingering feeling of frustration towards my boyfriend. Just the few conversations that included miscommunication and resulted in him flaring up to be a smart ass within seconds. I want everything to go smoothly all the time and if its not or if i'm frustrated I want him to be aware of my frustration and be sensitive to that. I realize that's not how things work in life and rarely do we get all the things we want or are looking for... but I feel like I am me and I try to be who he needs me to be, why can't he do the same? I love him, I really do... but sometimes I question if he actually loves me. Terrible, I know. But how do I get the point across that I need him to show me some kind of affection on his own. Not me having to initiate it and then feel like its such a hastle for him to kiss me back or to sit with me... I've told him before and he said well we can try that today, and it was a wonderful day... to me at least. Maybe to him that feels like to much work and he doesn't care enough to put that much into it.

Idk... oh well who the hell know... that's my ranting for now... back to my book.